Category: Guest

Special thanks to Churnest Hemingway for today’s guest insightful guest post. Watch soon for his upcoming novel, The Old Man and the Fee.

When communicating with groups in person or online, one of the most important questions you can ask yourself is “Who’s in the room?” Knowing your audience and understanding their agenda (tip: it’s different than yours) should shape what you’re saying, and validate why you’re saying it at all.

This advice is also very relevant for communication about churning. Whether discussing a card benefit loophole or a foundational tool for manufactured spending, you should always stop to consider who is in the room before starting a conversation – lest you also start the death clock on the very play you’re hoping to discuss. We have seen this lack of discretion contribute to the demise of many joyful things in recent years, sometimes in conjunction with quantitative signals, sometimes not.

If you’re posting to reddit, commenting on a blog or video, or publishing content yourself, you can be confident that the marketing departments of major credit card issuers are reading what you’re putting out there. Marketers report up to other departments on product usage trends and the voice of their customer. If the voice of their customer is yapping about a loophole its not supposed to have, a feature its not using as intended, or anything else of benefit beyond what is advertised, you can be certain those goodies will be killed by product leadership sooner or later.

Similarly, when chatting or on the phone with your friendly customer service rep, you should be aware that everything you say is being logged and analyzed in dashboards, meetings, and meetings about dashboards. Just as with marketing departments, surges in specific topics or questions stick out on the radar like a sore thumb. Badgering a bank employee about a key account feature that was retired will not magically turn that feature back on. Over a hundred of these calls will raise the question of why this feature is suddenly in demand, and prompt further investigation of customers who still have skin in the game.

Sharing away from the corporate eye does not guarantee privacy, either. Smaller online communities have their own share of participants who repost tips and plays without adequately gut-checking what it means for the survival of what they’re sharing. Some of these are from well-meaning churners excited to share knowledge with their peers and build community. Less forgivably, lurking influencers capitalize on community content by monetizing it for ad-supported blogs and paid courses. This latter demographic is a scourge and the reason you should know the agenda of your peers.

Finally, a common thread between all three audiences is the new variable of AI analysis. Every reddit post, chat or call log, or private community message is now subject to any number of agents ingesting, synthesizing, and summarizing its content ad infinitum. Despite bank technology having a reputation for being old and brittle, it is simple enough to batch export data and analyze it with another application. Many churners also use these tools, undisclosed, in private communities to manage the firehose of information coming at them on a daily basis. Even if you’ve forgotten what you once posted way up in the scrollback, or are past the 90 day window of your visible Slack content, don’t worry – AI remembers, and will always remember. The act of listening has now been delegated to a technology that never sleeps. Proceed with caution.

A footnote: “X has already been shared by popularwebsite, so it doesn’t matter if I share it again” is not a good excuse for indiscretion. Visibility on a play doesn’t come from one leak, but repeated signals indicating its heat and significance. Even if a play has been shared that cannot be unshared, abstaining from a repeat broadcast is good practice for extending its lifespan and diminishing its significance to those who would treat it indelicately – or those who have the power to see it killed.

So, what should we do when we don’t know who to trust? Build trust. Know who’s in the room by getting in the actual room. Get on calls, show up at meetups, and build churning relationships that turn into churning friendships. Gracefully retract and delete overshares when other churners let you know you’ve gone too far, and give a polite nudge when you see someone else spill too much (escalate as necessary). Despite only knowing each other by first names at best, the amount of trust in our hobby is uniquely special, and the only thing that keeps it together.

– Churnist Hemingway

Pictured: AmEx RAT infiltrating a churning mixer.

Today’s post is a timely guest post by James, the host of the Churn and Burn podcast. This his his third guest post, see his first and second for further reading. Special thanks to James!

The manufactured spend (MS) world is full of “in-group” and “out-group” code phrases that tend to get repeated within the social circles of our second job hobby.  One of my favorites: Social Engineering.  Typically, we use this phrase to reference our unwanted contact with the out-groups.  “I just had to socially engineer my way through this Chase reinstatement call” is something many of us have said to many a P2.  Every manufactured spender has their own unique skill set with strengths and weaknesses.  Social Engineering is perhaps one of the most underrated ones, and I excel at it. My personal background is heavily grounded in acting and public speaking.  I’m not a numbers guy.  In another life, I could have eschewed my churning career for one as a stage actor.  It’s part of the reason why I have a podcast that caters only to the worst of the degens, instead of a blog with a cult following.

However, something that’s rarely spoken about is the role of social engineering and its role within the in-group.  No one likes to talk about it, at least not openly… but it’s a huge component in this space, so much so that MEAB himself started an entire blog just to open himself up to it.

I know exactly four different “Matts” in the world of MS.  Recently, one of them shared a theory with me that redefined the way I view everything we do:

“Everyone feels like they are trying to level up in MS, but there are actually no levels. It’s a circle. Wherever you enter the circle feels like the bottom.  Someone on the left side of the circle interacts with the right side of the circle. They both have a new piece of info, their first goal with that info is to use it to level up. Whoever they believe is at a higher level than them now gets that info for “free” because they try and leverage that info.“

We could go back and forth for hours about whether it’s appropriate to “trade” plays or how people should go about determining who they deem worthy to share sensitive info with.  I’ve seen countless MS empires rise and fall based purely on what info was or was not shared and who did or did not share it.  I’ve been rewarded tremendously just because I shared the right thing with the right person, and have been quite literally excommunicated from certain plays because I refused to share sensitive info with others.  But I do think we can all agree on one thing about Matt’s theory: knowing where you are in that circle (and where others are circling) is absolutely critical.  

We all want to believe that [insert name here] Points and Miles influencer with 100,000 followers is secretly hiding several high level plays that would shake us to our very core if we knew what they were truly doing behind the scenes.  We all want to think that the people who speak at the yearly meetups are all in some back room in between seminars talking about how they’re doing 6 figures of MS per day using some crazy loophole that they’re only sharing with the other whales because they’re part of the in-group, while the other 300 minnows who paid for their tickets are outside watching James Churn and Burn explain (poorly) how to maximize their Hilton Free Night certs.  Here’s the rub, though: I can confirm, fairly conclusively, that with a few notable exceptions, the aforementioned picture I drew above detailing some kind of insider points blogger mafia is mostly a fiction.  These are not the droids you are looking for, and the real closeted whales are probably sitting in the back of those seminars, chilling on their laptop, doing more MS in an hour than the person on stage will do all month.  

So I want everyone to stop and think right now.  In all seriousness, ask yourself this question:  For every play you’ve discovered with some amount of outside help: did you ask for it, or did it just spontaneously fall into your lap through some variance of “right place, right time” happenstance?  More importantly: Can you even remember how you found the play in the first place?

One thing’s for sure.  If you heard about it from a publicly hosted Youtube video on a wildly popular influencer’s channel, chances are quite good that you’re somewhere at the bottom of the circle.  

– James

It could be worse than the bottom of the circle.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Matt is on vacation until at or around January 1, 2026. Until then we have guest posts, today’s post is brought to you by Matt’s longest churning buddy and all around super-guy, Tyler. Special thanks for the post!

Brokers help us leverage our spending game. From gift cards, gold, rakes for SideShowBob, UR points, MR transfers, iPads, Amex offers, buyer’s groups and more, brokers serve as a conduit to buy/sell goods and services. There are dozens, probably hundreds, of brokers who are seasoned veterans with resources, connections, and forums that can help bridge us to more opportunities and a larger network. They are valuable to us in our spend game.

There are plenty of elements when considering which broker to work with.  I present the Broker Point Factor Analysis (BPFA), a proven method (not really) that allows you to evaluate brokers that will guarantee (no actual guarantee) your path to financial success (probably not).  It is a basic point factor analysis method that assigns points based on identified factors.

So how do we use the BPFA? It is a highly scientific model that you must have an IQ greater than your local average city temperature in July. I vacationed to northern Wisconsin to improve my chances when I studied this model. A few components of this model:

• BPFA factors are subjective, so consider factors that are important to you when building your BPFA.
• Points are given based on how each broker is rated in the Broker Point Factor (BPF).
• Total up your points and see which broker best aligns with your factors.

The certified MEAB Business Analyst has put together an example using two hypothetical brokers: Jim and Dwight. *I hope there aren’t brokers who go by this name, there is no correlation intended. File a complaint with the MEAB Fairness Officer if you feel violated. I think his name is Toby, I can’t remember. Below is the analysis:

BPF: Costs, fees and rates – clear, competitive, based on market conditions. 

Broker Jim: Jim posts rates that are competitive, perhaps not always the highest. They post in a consistent format that makes it easy to digest and aren’t afraid to share any hidden costs or fees. 

Broker Dwight: Dwight routinely under prices to competitors, sometimes a decent amount. Terms can seem vague and when questioned, it might be ambiguous.  

Points: Jim – 1  Dwight – 0 

MEAB Business Analyst rationale: We all want top dollar for our products, and brokers also want the highest margin. Some are smaller with more spread, others are larger with more overhead that need more volume. 

BPF: Ease of use – easy UI/submission process, simplicity. Do they limit cap, speed of deal posting and action. Spreadsheets, websites, forms, links that are intuitive.

Broker Jim: Jim has a nicely dedicated format for his deals. His deals go through email/channels in an efficient format that is also mobile friendly. Jim is always one of the first to put out deals and prices. Jim rarely has flaws in his process, and when we see a deal from Jim, we intuitively know the format and what to do.

Broker Dwight: Dwight has a few different inconsistent methods he uses, which can leave users a bit lost. He sometimes uses Telegram, or WhatsApp, or slack, or email, all of which have different functionality and user preferences that can feel discombobulated. Sometimes dates are wrong, there are typos, and it feels a bit sloppy.

Points: Jim – 3  Dwight – 1

MEAB Business Analyst rationale: Larger brokers have more systems and people in place to navigate ease of use. Though, some have an overengineered process that may not align with what you find easy. Nothing should feel overengineered, and more steps can lead to errors.

BPF: Liquidity, reliability, execution speed:  Fast, on-time, consistent payments. Can weather market fluctuations or issues with end users. 

Broker Jim: Jim pays fast. Like, REALLY fast. Sometimes you panic because funds hit your account before you are expecting. 

Broker Dwight: Dwight has reasonable payout periods. Though, he consistently needs to be reminded once he is past his date. In addition, he has had end user payment issues that delay payment processing. Payments come from various sources and time periods vary, so it is hard to track. 

Points: Jim – 8  Dwight –  -2 

MEAB Business Analyst rationale: Payment delays aren’t usually a big deal as long as it is communicated. More concerning, payment delays may be a result of the broker not having enough money. This can be a potential sign for if something goes wrong, the broker may not have the funds for a period that makes you feel uneasy. 

BPF: Customer Service: Type of support and assistance in all phases of transaction: before, during, and after transactions.

Broker Jim: Is active in his community. He responds to people’s questions publicly when asked, and also responds to private DMs. During initial contact, he is friendly and transparent with new members. He is timely, courteous, and has a knack for doing the right thing.

Broker Dwight: *crickets*

Points: Jim – 2  Dwight – 0 

MEAB Business Analyst rationale: It is easy to be a good broker when things run smooth, though customer service should be top priority. 

BPF: Conflict management: How they navigate problems, disputes and errors. Identifies, addresses, and resolves disagreements in a constructive way that minimizes negative outcomes and maximizes positive ones. 

Broker Jim: is direct in his communication and timely. If there are errors, you are notified immediacy, know what is wrong, and what to do. He offers to support you (not hand hold) with words of guidance as he brokers see more conflicts than buyers do. 

Broker Dwight: Immediately puts blame on his customers. Blames them for errors, makes assumptions, and is belittling to customers in a snarky way. 

Points: Jim – 3  Dwight – 0

MEAB Business Analyst rationale: It isn’t about eliminating conflict, sh!t happens, yet it’s about managing it in a way that leads to growth and better outcomes in the future. “It isn’t what you say, it is how you say it.”

BPF: Terms: What are risks for each party, and do they hold all parties to terms within reason. Clear, defined, yet not overly engineered or heavily unfavorable for one party over another.

Broker Jim: Has terms that are reasonable and even has a clause that protects buyers from fraud. There is a limit on when to submit, how long risk is for products (cards, fuel points, bookings, etc.).  

Broker Dwight: has very long risk periods for his buyers. Essentially makes them accountable no matter what. They almost seem intentionally vague. In addition, he randomly posts updated rules in his forums and channels while not updating his primary terms.  

Points: Jim – 4  Dwight – 1

MEAB Business Analyst rationale: Of course we need rules, this isn’t Nam. focusing on the intent and spirit of the rules more important. In addition, one should always be able to find a brokers terms easily. When in doubt, always ask a brokers terms. Don’t be afraid to constructively suggest changes to terms that are equitable and reasonable.

BPF: Communication: Timely, clear, reasonable in all methods: 1:1 conversations, through chat, to their channels and audience. 

Broker Jim:  has an innate ability to nearly know all of his buyers. He isn’t overly goofy, has fun when appropriate yet still has a business oriented demeanor. When you message Jim, he responds promptly. When a question comes up on a deal he posted, he responds timely or his other buyers chime in to help. 

Broker Dwight: doesn’t engage much. He posts deals and allows his channel to become overwhelmed with fodder. At times, he even contradicts himself with his own guidelines. His brevity at times leave much to be desired.

Points: Jim –  5 Dwight – 2

MEAB Business Analyst rationale: A predictable broker is a good broker. Predictability follows a regular, reliable pattern that makes future events or actions easier to foresee. They anticipate problems before they happen and are clear in their interactions.

Total Points Jim: 26 points, Dwight: 2

The point is obvious: work with brokers that have a value proposition that aligns with yours. I don’t think there are inherently ‘good’ or ‘bad’ brokers. There are brokers that have different modalities by which they operate. If something feels off with a broker, it probably is. Diversify your business among different brokers. Work towards a win-win with your brokers. Treat them with respect and they will return the favor. In conclusion, there are multiple factors that should be considered when utilizing a broker. So do as Kenny Rogers says: know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, and know when to run.

– Tyler

Pictured: Tyler’s broker decision tree.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Matt is on vacation until at or around January 1, 2026. Until then we have guest posts, today’s post is brought to today’s post is brought to you by DucksRising, a reflective and reluctant heavy hitter. Special thanks for the post!

Introduction

During the pandemic, I was recruited to join a group manufactured spend (MS) play. This play involved hundreds of users and mimicked the operations of a large buying group. Already familiar with the rest of the credit card optimization landscape, I followed the predictable arc of every other user – initial small investments, followed later by larger purchases, eventually climaxing into a scale that seems unrecognizable at this point. Among certain apex predators, the profits from participating in this group were stratospheric. I have no doubt that the anecdotes of a few noteworthy purchases helped normalize the prevailing attitude that one should always be pushing higher, farther, and faster. Much like Karen Hill observed during the wives gathering of Goodfellas – it all seemed so normal when you were surrounded by it. I distinctly remember “don’t be poor” becoming part of the lexicon at some point in time. My own returns exceeded some of the users who participated at the minimum level, and generally provided more than what I would have gotten paying taxes and buying Visa gift cards, but thankfully I never reached the upper echelon, for reasons that will become clear.

During 2023, it became rapidly clear that the bottom was falling out of our joint venture. After a few days, leadership posted a message that they were lawyering up and severing all communications. Whether it’s social anxiety, an attitude of “F*?k The Bank” at all costs, or traditional narcissism, I have noticed for quite some time that every award blogger or noteworthy figure in this hobby seems deeply flawed at best, troubled at worst. Some of these figures are so awful they have spawned parody social media accounts. The culture and leadership of this group was more or less on this level.

Leadership attempted to nominate a replacement, an imbecile (probably seduced by the ideas of collecting the same administrative fees the original leadership had collected) who lasted exactly a day before loud-quitting via group message. Eventually it would turn to 3 people who made a reasonable pitch at righting the ship – they too would fail, although their effort seemed genuine – it is difficult to say how much was ever in their control. Original leadership’s only actual parting gift was organizing the hundreds of users into collections of individuals who had participated at a level similar to their own. Some of these groups were active, most were not, and in the end there ended up being two groups – those who had participated at a large level, and everyone else.

Money Talks, Bulls*#t Walks

Much like the pandemic showed that humanity’s natural instinct towards retreating into tribes is undefeated, these groups formed diametrically opposing viewpoints. The smaller group who demonstrated significant spend always seemed to have more information and always be one step ahead. They also generally looked down upon the larger group, referring to this group as “the masses”, “the poors”, etc. The larger group seemed more diverse, more outspoken, and at times significantly more unstable. Screenshots from each group occasionally made it to the other channel, igniting controversy. Regardless of these dynamics, it was clear after 1-2 months that a significant percentage of initial investments were not returning to anyone; they were lost.

One of the great fallacies of our hobby is optimization – the idea that you should be extracting as much money from the banks as possible at all costs. This is only partially true. You should only be grabbing as much low hanging fruit as possible. Even most award bloggers lose sight of the fact that spending time banging at Rakuten, shopping portals, etc. is generally a net negative. Seeing the entire picture is paramount.

Blitzkrieg

Again, during 2023 the entire picture trying to recoup tens of thousands, or in some cases, hundreds of thousands of dollars, seemed daunting. Some users of the group experienced a profound mental health crisis. Some seemed unbothered. Most landed somewhere in the middle of this. The outside perspective was difficult to deal with – rival buying groups and moderators from varying subreddits openly cheered on the demise of the group and encouraged suicide. Some tribes are… built differently than others. Amidst this chaos, and with the perspective of time, the landscape view showed something different – while American Express was the biggest problem for almost everyone, many had positions spread across anywhere from 2 to 7 banks.

Another factor: financial institutions are filled with incredibly stupid people, and simultaneously do not give their employees an opportunity to help. It rapidly became clear that fighting your own personal lightning war against the banks was the path toward success. Certain departments within a handful of specific financial institutions quickly were overrun and approved the return of credit card purchases en masse before eventually applying speed gates. This would repeat later with Paypal. The days of the PayPal Mafia are long gone, but in a deeply ironic twist, despite being outshone by their hotter sorority sister Venmo while also having outsourced all of their customer service operations abroad, PayPal was the only company to be proactive: running a query, sorting by spend, and apparently calling various whales of the group attempting to figure out why $17 million in payments were being returned. Simply put, many of these institutions rely on lowly-paid customer service grunts to flag and elevate issues, although the exact procedure for larger banks is likely a bit more proprietary and nuanced. The smaller the bank, generally the more generous, and generally speaking after 3-4 months the majority of users had all or the majority of their investment recouped. There were some individuals who were out $10,000-$20,000 here and there, or for whom it took 6-12 months to become whole, but the common denominator in this group was garden variety incompetence. Shutdowns came and went, some were actually defeated by what seems like a handful, and in some cases are still progressing to this day.

El Fin

With the benefit of hindsight, there are too many other lessons learned across too many parts of one’s life to expand on. I learned that the line between playing a small role and medium role in a joint venture can be rapidly crossed with little to no thought outside of the financial rewards. I learned applying large stress tests to a financial institution comes with a considerable responsibility – being able to bullsh*t dynamically, reading T&Cs, leaving your job for an hour at a time perhaps several times a day. I learned that “Flight or Flight” within humans extrapolates congruently with pressure exerted, real or perceived. I learned that, as Gen Z says: when people show you who they are, believe them. Looking down the road – I have no doubt that other plays will emerge (or perhaps already have in other communities), and decisions will again need to be crossed, this time with the benefit of experience. This hobby is unlike most others in so many ways, we’re all mostly wandering without a map at times. As someone much smarter than I once scrawled on a picnic table: There is No Fate But What We Make

– DuckRising

The PayPal mafia: 2025.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Matt is on vacation until at or around January 1, 2026. Until then we have guest posts, today’s post is brought to today’s post is brought to you by @MForch, a hardened churner turned advantage player turned future real estate baron. Special thanks for the post!

We all know the holy grail of this hobby: CPP (Cents Per Point). We obsess over whether that Hyatt redemption was 2.1 or 5.5 cents per point. We brag about the $15,000 First Class flight we bought for 80k miles.

But there is a much more important metric that almost no one in the churning community talks about: CPH (Cents Per Hour).

If you spend ten hours a week chasing a $200 bank bonus or driving to three different grocery stores to find the one cashier who still allows certain transactions, you aren’t winning. You’re just working a second job for minimum wage.

Laziness Backed by Science

If you’ve ever read a self-help or business book, you can summarize 90% of them with one concept: The 80/20 Rule. 80% of your profits come from 20% of your activities. Usually, that’s high-level scaling a specific play that actually moves the needle. Yet, most people in this hobby spread themselves thin, spending time on every brilliant Amex Offer, hotel credits they could just do from a Vegas pool and every convoluted shopping portal stack. Reading all the blogs, message boards, slacks and discords(the emoji month later).You are falling into the rabbit hole because your return on time is abysmal.

Scaling vs. Scavenging

I recently had a conversation at a MEAB meetup with one of the many Davids in our corner of the internet. David is a hustler, saw some of myself in him—he was doing a little bit of everything. He had ten different plates spinning, most of them decent sized but not a real wage replacement.

I asked him point-blank: “Why aren’t you focusing on scaling what you’re actually good at?”

He was doing what most of us do: scavenging for crumbs because we’re afraid to miss out on any new play. I told him to pick the one play he saw as truly scalable and go all-in. He took the advice. Fast forward to today: he has 100x’d that single play and now has a Plum situation most of us are jealous of.

He didn’t find a new secret; he just stopped doing the small stuff so he had the bandwidth to scale the big stuff. That is pure gold.

My Shift: From Points to Property

Lately, I’ve been focused heavily on my Real Estate business. Why? Because for me, the return on time is simply better. A single successful property acquisition or a well-managed renovation yields a profit margin that makes a $500 referral bonus look like pocket change.

However I haven’t forgotten my churning tools to increase the ROI of my real estate plays.
The advantage player (AP) mindset doesn’t stay in the credit card world. I apply the same social engineering and optimization tactics to my real estate business:

• The Stack: Buy a gift card with a dash of this or an uber discount to fund renovation materials. Coupons for huge off or become a cash back monitor to squeeze some extra juice out of the deal.
• Social Engineering: Negotiating discounts with contractors(would you take credit card?) and stores using the same persistence we use with reconsideration lines for open or damaged items. Finding a friendly cashier for your shenanigans.
• Arbitrage: Finding the gap between what a property is worth and what I can get it for, just like finding a mispriced award seat.
• Taxes: Beating the fees while paying your taxes, Even prepaying just to get it returned days later at closing.

Know Your Worth

The Points and miles lifestyle isn’t about working harder; it’s about burning the least amount of your life energy for the most amount of profit.

If a play takes you four hours and nets you $40, your CPH is $10. You’re better off working at a Cracker Barrel and buying the points.

Stop spreading yourself thin. Look at your spreadsheet. Identify the one play that has the highest scalability and the lowest time commitment. Don’t stop paying attention just focus that attention. Your 80% isn’t my 80%- we all have different advantages in the world.

– @mforch

Pictured: @mforch

EDITOR’S NOTE: Matt is on vacation until at or around January 1, 2026. Until then we have guest posts, today’s post is brought to us by Matt’s P2, Lindsay! Special thanks for the post!

When you’re a P2, especially if your P1 is the infamous MEAB, there’s a level of normalcy that becomes second nature. For example, on any given day a hundred credit cards could arrive at the house and you don’t bat an eye. Or perhaps you mention to your P1 that all the kids will be gone for Thanksgiving, and suddenly you’re going on a Christmas market extravaganza for the second year in a row. (It was amazing, by the way, there’s the cutest elf themed market in Cologne that I highly recommend). 

So, yes. I…and perhaps you as well my fellow P2…operate on a different level than the average human. One that is an intense privilege to experience. One that will ruin our children as they age because ‘ew, I have to fly coach are you kidding me?’ or ‘you’ve never been to Europe? That’s so cute’ or even ‘for our wedding, can we take Qatar First Class to Dubai? We don’t want to have to fly with the regular people.’

Dear readers, I want to be clear that I’m being slightly flippant, but I also see nothing wrong with this. My P1 works incredibly hard to give us the life that we lead. So much so that he basically works two jobs: his regular life, and his points one. Additionally, as a formerly single mom who lived in low-income apartments across the hallway from a stripper who would come over and steal my make-up I never could have GUESSED that I’d be able to take my mom and daughter to Paris on lie flat seats because my husband found us great award space. 

P2’s, let’s face it. We are on a different level. And we are lucky. Soooo lucky. There are many things in this new level that I did not anticipate. Big, life changing experiences like having to explain to your friend group that YES, you fly first class but NO, you’re not secretly a trust fund baby. Yes, there are many things about this life that I didn’t expect. However…

However…

I think one of the largest things I didn’t anticipate was the inability to watch Secret Lives of Mormon Wives without thinking to myself “ok cool story bro, but that’s not super special.”

HEAR ME OUT LOYAL MEAB FANS. 

If you’re anything like me (and I’m talking to the P2’s here) then you’re watching, or have watched, Secret Lives of Mormon Wives on Hulu. If you’re not watching this show, it’s a shame, because it’s demonstrably the best reality show on TV right now, hands down. Even if you’re not watching, I’m sure some of it has seeped into your lives and your streams. From the term “Fruity Pebbles” to low dosing ketamine when you have a fight with your husband to whether or not the Afflecks are actually related to Ben, the show is an exquisite romp that will leave you with your mouth hanging open and your fingers slamming the “next episode” button. BUT, you’ll never want to skip the intro because it is that good. 

Now, you might be wondering, how in the world does this connect to the life of the average P2? Don’t worry, I’m getting there. The ladies on SLOMW are constantly traveling, whether it be Europe, LA, or simply St. George. Part of the fun of the show is watching the women traveling. It’s meant to be the thing. The big experience that proves these women have made it big. We, as the audience, are supposed to watch with a sense of awe as the women enter into their hotel rooms or travel to exotic places like Beaver, Utah. 

Yet, when I’m watching, I find myself often sort of sneering at the experience of the travel itself. Sometimes I’m like “Huh. That room is just meh.” or WORSE, I’ll think to myself “ew, she flew Southwest, where every seat is first class?” 

Let me try and give a good example. There’s an episode (or maybe even two) where #momtok and #dadtok get flown out to LA to do press or something like that (IDK, it doesn’t matter). And, sure, they get professional hair and make-up, and sure, they get to do cool things like give interviews and have busses with their boobs er, faces on them. BUT, their hotel was only sort of…OK. Like, it was nice, I guess, but I was convinced that if any one of them had any sort of status they’d have been given a better room. Or, perhaps, gone to a different hotel that was bougie-er (is that a word?) So, the very thing that Hulu is trying to sell me: beauty, influence, extravagant travel to extravagant places…I’ve already experienced, probably in better accommodations. And I’m just a girl with no influence and no followers. 

Which got me thinking. My lovely P2’s, are we…are we influencers without the drama? Because I guarantee you that I’ve flown better, eaten better, had better rooms, and seen more things than the lovely Taylor Frankie Paul…and I didn’t need to be involved in a scandal to do it. And sure, I’d love their reality TV paycheck, but other than that it’s gotten to the point where “next steps” are things that the average person couldn’t dream of, and typically involves things we can’t get with points. 

For example, I want to stay at Chateau Marmont like a freaking A list celebrity. I want to stay overnight at the Palace of Versailles like a princess. I want to go to Club 33 at Disneyland, then stay in the guest suite above Pirates of the Caribbean (even though I’m currently in a fight with Disney because I think their Genie Pass RUINED EVERYTHING, but if they offered me a stay inside the park I don’t physically have the willpower to turn it down). 

These are the last dregs of bucket list items that, annoyingly, points are unable to purchase. These are the things that normal people typically can’t do, and these are the experiences that even the beautiful ladies of the BEST REALITY SHOW ON TELEVISION have yet to do. 

Now, I’m painfully aware of how lucky I am. I’m also aware of how much life has changed in irrevocable ways since MEAB started playing the points game. I’m the luckiest passenger princess, the luckiest bougie bitch, and I am so grateful for everything that my family and I get to see and do and experience. But, dear readers…how do we as P2’s get to that “next level?”

Well, I’ve thought about it, and I’m officially pitching a new reality show concept. 

It will be called “The Bougie Lives of P1 Wives”(™). It will be almost exclusively travel based, with the exception of the home shots where our P1’s tell us (probably mic’d but behind a closed door for drama) that they’ve booked us on some crazy cool first class trip because award space opened up. The next shot will be P2TOK(™) getting drunk on Krug 30,000 feet in the air while flying Qantas First Class. We’ll fawn over the pajamas that we get, and exclaim over the amenities kit with $200 perfume samples. (As an aside, that actually happened, MEAB brought me back some from his latest flight and I about died when I looked up the price). 

We’ll stay, on points, at places like the Waldorf Astoria Cabo, or an old castle in Argentina, or in an overwater bungalo in the Maldives. The drama will not, as may be assumed, come from infighting, but from 4x reward redemption days at Safeway where there will be multiple shots of P1TOK(™) and their P2’s rushing from store to store to grind because “do you want to go Koh Samui or not Lindsay?” The shot will end with us, in the passenger seat, with a little sweet drink for our sweet little faces. 

If your P2 would like to be a part of this, or, if you happen to know any Hollywood producers who’d be interested in my pitch, please let me know! If not..well..that’s ok. Just remember the next time your P1 is grinding for points, or you’re on hold with a credit card company for 30 minutes because the card is in your name, that you are cooler than an influencer. 

– Lindsay

Netflix: Please reach out, I’m here.