EDITOR’S NOTE: I’m on an annual blogging vacation for the last two weeks of the year. To make sure you still have content, some of the smartest members of the community have stepped up with guest posts in my absence. Special thanks to today’s author, the always helpful and funny SideShowBob233, for writing this post while I’m on vacation. I’ll see you on January 1!

It seems like these days everyone hates on Uber, from drivers who Uber screws out of wages, to people who are sexually assaulted by Uber, drivers who failed their background check but are somehow working with Uber anyway, to people like me, who find themselves shadow-banned from Uber for an unknown reason and have their loaded gift card balances locked in Uber-purgatory™ while Uber support tells you there’s nothing wrong with your account and you should continue using it.

Since I’m a selfish type of guy (hands off my rake!) I’m going to focus on the last one of those reasons to hate Uber.  Sometime in October I found myself unable to place orders on Uber.  Thinking it was a glitch, I reached out to their support.  Uber support is very responsive, kind of like a car with an almost dead battery.  You turn the key, it makes lots noises, but in the end you’re still screwed. 

I went back and forth with Uber support as they “investigated” (if you can call ignoring my support ticket while they approved serial killers as drivers as investigating) and told me it was escalated to a higher team.  What I thought (and was proved right) is that the “higher team” is a description of the team.  They literally smoke weed all day and do nothing else.  So my case is still sitting with that team while they drive around in the Magic Mystery Machine eating Scooby snacks and I am still unable to use my Uber account (likely forever). 

I’m still not clear WTF caused my ban, but there are several possibilities.  One, I added a bunch of promo codes to Postmates (also owned by Uber) about a week before my ban.  However, by itself I don’t think that was the issue – but rather it was coupled with a cancelled order a few weeks earlier.  I ordered food on Uber eats, and about 2 minutes before it was due to be delivered, I was notified the order was cancelled by Uber support.   I reached out to their support to ask about it, and they told me I cancelled it.  I explained I absolutely did not cancel it and they said they’d give me a credit for the order (I actually just wanted the damn food not a credit, but I settled for a credit).  I think this put me on a suspected abuser list (when my best guess is their terrible customer service cancelled my order by mistake trying to cancel a different order) and then when I added some promo codes that sealed my fate.  But I’m just guessing, because their support is so bad they can’t even tell me if I’m banned.  Uber gonna Uber. 

While I know people normally want to be like me (as shown here):

In this case you actually don’t want to be like me, here are some tips to avoid my rake fate:

  • Do not use the same Uber account on multiple devices
  • Do not add more than one new credit card to your account every 3 days (72 rolling hours)
  • Do not go nuts adding promo codes (this usually will only lead to a promo code ban)
  • Do not have your order accidentally cancelled by Uber support (let me know if you figure out how to do this)
  • Do not complain after Uber cancels your order and leaves you hungry
  • Do not pass go, do not collect $200 (now I’m just seeing if you’re still here – shouldn’t you be out probing or something?)

I’ll end my rant here, but let me just say I will dance on their grave when Uber goes bankrupt, leaving us with memories of the Amex Uber credits and leaving Amex with a different coupon they will need to come up with.

– SideShowBob233

Pictured: What SideShowBob233 is missing by not having Uber Eats.